Can you believe I play with these guys?
August 06, 2004
By Nad Navillus
I recently received a trade offer. Well, “trade offer” is the technical and exact term for it. But I actually think it was some sort of fantasy baseball intelligence test.
I was offered Kenny Rogers. Yup, I was. For Todd Helton. That’s right. I’d get Kenny Rogers, I’d give up Todd Helton.
You might think this trade is a tad lopsided, but luckily the note attached to the trade offer went a long, long way towards explaining this particular owner’s thinking. His analysis and insight made clear why I would give up Helton—one of my keepers, a fantasy stud who plays at Coors, hits at least .330 every year, knocks in 120—for Kenny Rogers, a guy who oh-so-clearly pitched over his head for the first half of the season and had now given up 21 runs in his last 19 2/3 innings of work. The note read: “Whaddya think of the Gambler?”
They say when someone close to you dies you go through seven stages of grief. Apparently, this progression can also be caused by horrific trade offers.
Shock: “My god, is this really happening!?”
Denial: “He did not just offer me Kenny &@#%ing Rogers for Todd Helton. No way. No one would do that.”
Bargaining: “This is probably just a joke, he’s probably kidding. It’s not me, it’s him, right? When I look again it’ll be Manny Ramirez and Kenny Rogers, right?”
Fear: “Ohmigod! Is Todd hurt?!?”
Anger: “Does he think I’m stupid? Does this a@#$%le think I’M stupid?!”
Despair: “Why me? Why do I get all the idiotic offers? I’ll never get a trade done in this godforsaken league. Never!”
Acceptance: Wait, no—Not acceptance! No! Never, ever, ever acceptance.
He could offer me Kenny Rogers, a crisp $50, and promises of sex from attractive women and I wouldn’t make this deal. I actually think this trade offer is offensive, insulting. It is like I am being tested; suddenly I am the object of a scientific experiment designed specifically to pin down exact levels of stupidity in thirtysomething male baseball fans. Worse still, the insult is that the lab coats decided to start at the lowest possible level, no benefit of the doubt whatsoever. I mean—Kenny Rogers?! Have I mentioned it was Kenny Rogers? For Todd Helton? To understand exactly how bad this deal is, not only do you need to know that Todd Helton was one of my three keepers, that Kenny Rogers is 39 and ten years removed from his perfect game, but also that I have a great pitching staff. This team already has Johan Santana, Roy Oswalt, Jake Peavy, Gagne, Foulke, and Tim Hudson set to come back from the DL. So, clearly, I need to get out there and acquire Kenny Rogers this very minute, no price too high, no intelligence too low! Step right up!
I think “Sarcasm” should be the eighth stage. Better yet, we could replace “Acceptance” with “Sarcasm”.
Anyway, it took me about an hour of fuming at my desk to get enough of a hold of myself that I began to find the whole thing funny, almost fascinating. At one point, I even let my cursor linger dangerously over the “Accept” button just for the adrenaline rush. It was like standing at the very edge of a rocky cliff and leaning out. I called a friend of mine who actually knows the guy who offered me the deal. I told him that I believed the ridiculously ridiculous trade offers had sunk to new, record-shattering depths. He agreed, it was an awful offer and it was insulting. But he did talk me out of writing the guy back an email that made full use of my entire range of emotional cruelty. This friend is the voice of reason, you see. Rather, he suggested I simply counter-offer with a trade that would either adequately reflect what I would be willing to trade Helton for, or adequately reflect what I would be willing to pay for Kenny Rogers.
I chose the former because I wouldn’t offer my backup-sleeper’s backup’s batboy for Kenny Rogers. So I sent the guy an offer of Helton for Manny, straight up. (I had Hafner ready to step in at first, so it seemed like an idea worth trying.) Within twenty minutes, the guy rejects it with a note saying, “I don’t want to trade offense for offense.” Oooooo-kay. “Kenny’s probably been my best pitcher so far. Are any of the other ones worth Helton?”
Apparently, I was wrong about the experiment. It hadn’t started at the very bottom. Rather, it had started at the ground floor but this building had a few basement levels of idiocy for me to explore. To recap, because it’s oh-so-fun: A) I would not give Helton for Kenny Rogers. B) Kenny Rogers is his best pitcher. C) “Would I be willing to give Todd for a pitcher worse than Kenny Rogers?” was now the question on the table.
You can see my dilemma—do I kill him or myself? Coincidentally, for reasons beyond my intellect, I finally grasped Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” question for the first time in my life. “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous offers or to take arms against a sea of idiots and kill them.”
But what was causing the sharpest pain in my temples was trying to understand why he wanted to know exactly how stupid I was. After all, this was the third year in this league, and I had won the first go round and came in second last year. So I felt like the answer to “How stupid are you?” had been clearly and irrefutably established as “Not too stupid, thanks for asking.” How am I supposed to respond to a question asking me if I will take a worse player than the one I already rejected?
I took a new tack, I sent him a simple note saying that I figure I’ll probably just hang on to Todd Helton, use Hafner in my utility spot, and make a go at it with the staff I have. This note felt perfect because in my head it sounded extremely sarcastic, but in his head it could sound sweetly genuine. I think it did, because he sent me a nice little note back saying that if I should change my mind, he’d be happy to revisit the deal.
I can’t imagine why.
What’s the worst trade offer you’ve received this year? Please, do not publicly humiliate anyone unless they really deserve it. Then go ahead I guess.
Posted by Nad Navillus: Aug 6 at 3:42 PM
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GET: Willis
GIVE: Nomar & Mulder
That almost made me spazz because I was so confused about how that could possibly be a decent offer. It was actualy a counter offer to a trade where I offered Delgado for Willis because they have a scrub 1B and I have like 5 guys who can play 1B but could use a another decent pitcher.
(his)
M. Alou
B. Crosby
J. Marquis
For (my)
N. Garciaparra
R. Baldelli
J. Santana
I have gone through your stages of grieving at it, and will consider my reply. Maybe he'd (no.... nevermind!) LOL steve
You could have an entire comedy sketch just reading the ridiculous trade offers we get on any given day.