Newbie-hood Stinks
August 13, 2004
Hey there, welcome to Pigskin and Hogwash: Football and BS. I had been trying for years to write a fantasy article but since I couldn’t get anyone to deem me an expert, I pitched a radical new idea where my own fantastic ignorance can be used to attain personal profit. Not that I’m getting paid. Anyways, here at P&H my goal is to vent, complain, needle and whine about all of my fantasy football leagues. Then, when I’m done, I ask you to go ahead and throw a few tomatoes yourself. Of course, if my teams do well, then my goal will be to vaunt, taunt, trash talk, and strain my shoulder reaching to pat my own back while reveling in my brilliance. Then, when I’m done, I’ll invite you to share your own genius. But, since nothing’s happening yet, let me introduce myself…
I’m The New Guy.
Yup, I’m the New Guy. Here at FIC for starters, but, and this is much worse, also in one of my fantasy football leagues. And it’s a prize league, a BIG prize—two million dollars, a recording contract, and a night with the runner-up from the latest Bachelor series. I have no idea who she is, but how bad could it be?
But it won’t matter, it won’t be me; nope, I’ll be the new guy. The new guy can’t win. He doesn’t know his opponents, their tendencies. Besides, I’d never get invited back.
For example, I won’t know that Joe Schmo’s a huge Bears fan and that he’d probably trade me Clinton Portis for a signed picture of Mike Ditka. I won’t know that Jack Schmo (no relation) is a snake who likes to offer stud running backs between the time he sees them tear their ACL live on TV and the time that Chris Mortensen reports it. I won’t know anything about these guys.
Heck, I won’t know all sorts of things I don’t even know I don’t know.
But I will have one thing going for me that none of them will have…I don’t know what that one thing is yet, but my plan is to have it carry me to victory.
Until I figure it out, I’m in hell. Three extra rounds of emails on every trade because they’re all going to want to try and play “Fleece the Moron” with me. And I have to come up with an amusing and clever team name, but not too amusing and clever—can’t go showing up the guy that always has the best name. I am going to have to post some message on the bulletin board that combines good-natured trash-talking with humility. Gotta play it cool; not too wimpy, not too arrogant.
I definitely can’t tell them about this article.
I must be liked. I must be accepted. I must, I must, I must.
Wait…No I mustn’t! I can just take the money and never come back. (But I must never say “Mustn’t” again.)
And if I don’t care about being invited back, whole new possibilities emerge. For instance, I got a very welcoming email from the commissioner. I think he thought I was “What’s-QB-stand-for?” kind of new to this. In other words, he thought I was a dolt. He meant well and he even tried to offer me advice without giving away his own plans for league dominance through superior understanding of the scoring system he designed himself. But he clearly didn’t think I was just the New Guy, he thinks I’m an out and out, wet behind the ears Newbie.
And if he thinks I’m a Newbie, he’s probably told the rest of them that. How can I play this to my advantage?!
And lo and behold, the heavens opened up above me and a strategery was born! I beheld it and it was good. I shall call it The Newbietude Approach: A Random Number of Steps to Winning Your League the Very First Time! Or, The Nad Navillus Guide to Fantasy Immortality! Or, Acting Stupid for Money! Or maybe just, Donny.
I’ll need key elements, “Steps” even.
Step 1: The Hustle! My favorite hustle of all time is the Chess Hustle—that’s right, Chess! You sit down at the table, point at your knight and ask, “How’s the little horsey guy move again?” Guaranteed to throw off your opponent by pissing him off and by making him think you have no idea what you’re doing. In fantasy football, this can best be achieved by posting immediately on the message board a list of equally idiotic questions: Do we draft punters? Why are touchdowns worth six? And, Can I borrow someone’s pre-rankings? are all good options, but get your creative juices flowing and come up with a few of your own. Doozies like, “Anyone think Todd Heap’ll fall to me at that third overall pick?” will get them drooling like an O-lineman at the Old Country House Buffet.
Step 2: I don’t actually have a Step 2. (This doesn’t bode well for this strategy but does jibe with the “I’m an idiot” act.)
Step 3: Have a really bad team name! Name them after yourself with some ridiculously testosteronated twist. Puns and alliteration work exceptionally well to display an utter lack of imagination: Nad’s Necromancers! The Naddiators! Naddy Ne’er-do-well. Wait, not that last one. The other option is to go the opposite route: Butterflies! Jam and Scones! Cinderella might work.
Step 4: Maybe it’s just hard to find even numbered steps.
Step 5: Forget to put in your kicker. Just for week one and just your kicker. This is obviously a gamble but hopefully it won’t change the outcome and they’ll think you’re a true idiot. Then Monday morning, post on the bulletin board, “Hey, where’s my kicker? This stupid website left out my kicker.”
Step 6: Draft Day Dumbness. This is your best chance to feign feeblemindedness publicly. At every pick, display your thought process out loud. For example, in round one you might say something like, “Hmmm…Priest Holmes or Emmitt Smith. Ooohh, are you serious? Ron Dayne’s still available?! Wait, no, I’ll take Priest, I like his chances this year.” Do not, do not under any circumstance pick Emmitt or Ron with this pick, just float it out there. Between picks, use random comments to inspire incredulity. “Do we have to draft wide receivers?” “What’s that team in LA called? Do they got a good D?” “Hey, did you guys hear Parcells is coaching the Cowboys? How ‘bout them apples?” And “Can’t have too many kickers!”
Of course, since it’s an online draft, my cat’ll be the only one who thinks I’m an idiot. But, hey, it’s a start.
I might need more steps.
Of course, while it will be monumentally fun to make them think I’m an idiot, (kind of like going to a job interview with the express purpose of not getting it—ooohhh the possibilities) I am not yet sure I know what to do from there.
Or, at least, that’s the story I’m sticking to.
***All suggestions herein contained are useless. Any semblance to actual fantasy football advice, living or dead, is purely coincidental, most likely mistaken, and may result in standings plummetation, and therefore should not be implemented without parental supervision.***
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So, dear readers, what’s your favorite/least favorite part about being the New Guy in a league? Or what’s your favorite/least favorite part about the new guy who just joined your league? What’s the stupidest thing you ever saw a Newbie do?
Posted by Nad Navillus: Aug 13 at 8:08 AM
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What’s-QB-stand-for?
Anyone think Todd Heap’ll fall to me at that third overall pick?
Do we have to draft wide receivers?
The best one to use through-out your entire piece was...... "Can I borrow someone’s pre-rankings?" I wouldnt be playing fantasy football if I didnt know the answers to the others.
Was also waiting for how to use this as an advantage. Which I never read. So...... you make yourself look like a newbie by your team name, and asking silly questions.......then what?
From the looks of it that's the whole strategy. Making the other managers think you're a buffoon and let that work to your advantage.
Believe it or not I actually did something like this trying to pull a "play dumb" move in a league I didn't need to impress the other managers. I kept asking how the live draft works! It came back in my favor when I traded for some struggling stars and the other managers didn't think twice about it. What the hell did I know ;)
There is but I can't remember where I left it.
...I know, too easy. But still.
someone who likes the saints and lsu tigers also took the entire saints starting offense IN ORDER.
1. McAllister
2. Horn
3. Brooks
4. Stallworth
5. B. williams
and another guy named...Devery Henderson
and..Micheal Clayton.
not only is he an ass for drafting a whole team (who isnt that good mind you) but he took guys that shouldnt be drafted.