The Trouble With Pork
September 22, 2004
The beauty of fantasy football is the absolute certainty with which you can be guaranteed that the better manager, the superior drafter, the cannier waiver wire worker will prevail. There’s just no way flukes are going to happen in this straight-forward, non-injury plagued world of fantasy.
Or, rather that would be my fantasy, my dream of a perfectly just world.
Instead, reality bites me in the ass: I just lost to the worst team in the league. For sake of anonymity I won’t use their real name (it’s “porkchop”), I will just call them Pork. (Besides, even fantasy team names should be capitalized. And the mono-syllabic Pork just sounds pithier.) Now there are several arguments against Pork being the worst team in the league. The first one that comes to mind is that they just beat me and if I know my syllogisms, that would make me...the worst...team. Let's not go there. The second most obvious is that they are 1-1 and sitting in the middle of the pack in points scored. And finally there is an actually compelling argument for worst being made by the guy that drafts his players automatically, makes two roster moves per season (need them or not) and leaves his bye week players in the starting line-up. But he's a good friend and I'd rather not pick on him.
But even with all these caveats, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I believe I can make a compelling argument why Pork is the worst. Not in terms of health or cholesterol, I think it might even be healthy. Just at fantasy football.
Evidence A: Draft Room--Third overall pick: Peyton Manning. LT was gone. Priest Holmes was gone. And then Peyton was gone. Not only was Peyton not the top ranked quarterback, he threatened to hold out if Pork didn’t trade him to another team. (Then his father got involved, it was a disaster PR-wise.) This would only have been kind of bad, except that in the second round, The Other White Meat went and picked up a wide receiver. A good one mind you—Torry Holt—but still, we’re two rounds in and still no running back.
It gets better. The next two rounds, two more wide receivers. And this person was there. Live and in person actually making these decisions. So, after four rounds, Pork is sitting on Manning, Holt, Hines Ward, and Toomer. (Toomer! In the 4th?)
The next sequence either proves or disproves the existence of God, I am not sure which.
Before his fifth round pick, Pork falls asleep in his chair. Picking wideouts apparently bored him, this coupled with a few sleep-inducing chemicals in his system and the lights go out on Porkville. So, the computer picks Chris Brown: a nice, way too nice, fifth round pick for this guy. He’s been running great in the preseason, all looks well. He made this pick in his sleep. (This only happens in a world where benevolent deities smile upon us or in a purposeless, absurd existence. Once again fantasy football catalyzes a monumental advancement in Theology.)
This takes us straight to Evidence B that Pork is the worst team in the league, now known throughout the league as The Chris Brown Affair. The first waiver transactions of the league include one by our friend Pork. Two days after the draft, waivers are processed and people try and fix their draft errors. In some cases, this includes fixing the error of letting the computer actually make a smart pick for you. Pork drops Chris Brown to pick up Dominic Rhodes. He drops a fifth round pick for a back-up. He drops a guy averaging over 5 yards per carry in the preseason. He drops the best pick in his porking draft.
And, in so doing, he porks the rest of the league. Sans one. That one being the guy that was now waiver priority 1. Or so we’d think. He actually drops the ball and waiver priority 2 gets Chris Brown for, get this, Anthony Thomas. This guy already had Quentin Griffin, Rudi Johnson and Shaun Alexander. Consensus had him as the favorite after the draft.
Pork had managed to not just screw up his team but he altered, nay damaged the competitive balance of the entire league. What the Pork was he thinking?! Inquiring minds wanted to know. His response, “I never heard of the guy until he showed up on my team.” Apparently, looking to see who he was and if Eddie George was, say, playing somewhere else these days was too much to ask.
This may be the type of behavior that keeps one from being invited back in, oh, 2005. Or ever.
But let’s return full-circle--I just lost to Pork. His starting backfield was Dominic Rhodes, Jerome Bettis, and Onterrio Smith. Rhodes and the Bus didn’t even touch the ball. Smith got 84 combined yards.
And I lost. I lost because I drafted Deuce McAlister who fumbled and limped off on his third carry, scoring me negative points. I lost because I had to replace Stephen Davis with Tiki Barber. Because Deion Branch got hurt after just 7 yards. I lost because Pork started Chicago’s Defense at Green Bay because everyone saw that coming. Right? I lost because Trent Green doesn’t do that thing where the guy with the ball throws it to the guys running around the part of the field at the ends where it’s colored differently and the team name is written in those giant letters! At least, he doesn't do it anymore.
So, yes, I lost to the worst team in the league.
I’m not bitter.
I’m not angry.
I’m just looking up at Pork.
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Scream back! Your league's gotta have some of this crap that drives you crazy. So, what's the stupidest thing someone in your league has done? Who's the luckiest? What's your favorite white meat?
Posted by Nad Navillus: Sep 22 at 8:55 AM
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Tough break with the Pork matchup. It's always a letdown when lunacy gets rewarded