Kenny Who?
September 29, 2004
Does anyone know of some guy named Kenny Watson? I started him last week. I had never heard of him. You could’ve told me he was a golfer and I would have believed you. I think the only people who know who Kenny Watson is are his parents, his teammates, people who drafted Rudi Johnson, and the poor S-O-B’s in 16 team, 3 starting running back leagues like the one I currently despise—I mean, play in. Three starting running backs. This league should be called Hell. Because, hell, even if Kenny Watson was a golfer I might’ve had to start him last week.
This becomes clear using the dreaded word problem. Remember word problems, middle school math? Let’s do one now. If you have 16 fantasy teams traveling west at 3.7 yards per carry and each team has to start 3 running backs every week, how many running backs will get to Cincinnati and when? The answer: 48! 48 starting running backs every week! Add the backups that people put in roster spots and the answer is now way, way too many.
I counted today and there are currently 67 running backs on people’s rosters in this league. There’s only 32 NFL teams. More math. That means there are at least 5 third-string running backs on a fantasy team in this league.
Hence, Kenny Watson, Week 3 fantasy starter. One rush for 10 yards, 2 receptions for 15 more and 6 return yards. That’s very promising for a first quarter of play. Unfortunately, in this case it was the whole game.
I have nothing against Mr. Watson personally. And I just called him Mr. Watson in order to try and make sure he never has anything against me personally. It’s not his fault I had to start him. It’s just that I have Michael Bennett hurt and Travis Henry on a bye week and so I was down to Tyrone Wheatley as the only starting running back left on my team. Since I have his backup Justin Fargas, that gets me two of my three and now I have to go shopping to find me a running back, any running back. All of the running backs I found had like 2 or 3 carries through the first two weeks and Kenny, I mean Mr. Watson, also happens to return punts or kickoffs or something and so, boom, there’s my decision. Besides, maybe Rudi will get hurt. (Not that I have any ill-will towards Mr. Johnson.)
And to be honest, while that stat-line above may look pretty bad, I was actually happy. At least he did score a carry and a couple receptions. I could’ve done worse. Like, oh say, my starting tight end Freddie Jones and his 2 receptions for 11 yards.
Luckily, Randy Moss, Rod Smith and Wheatley actually kept me alive in this matchup going into Monday night. In fact, I came home halfway through the Cowboys-Skins game and I was winning. I went into the game with a pretty good lead over a guy who was yet to play Keyshawn and Rod Gardner. My team was done playing. (I don’t have any Redskins and I am not allowed to have any Cowboys on my team without causing my father to roll over in his grave. A diehard Giants fan all his life, my inheritance is an active loathing of blue stars against a silver background. And a mug with an NY on it.)
But he had Keyshawn and Rod. The savvier fans and fantasy-ers amongst you just figured out the rest of this article.
I went into Monday planning on a loss. Actually, since I was starting Kenny Watson, Justin Fargas, and Chris Chambers playing in a hurricane, I went into the whole week planning on a loss. But here I was ahead at halftime--Keyshawn had done nothing, Gardner only had two for a handful of yards, and things were looking good in Mudville.
As a matter of fact the only way things could have been better is if the Cowboys were losing. I actually stated out loud that if it was the Skins up 7-0, all would have been well in the world, the real world. And if they had been , all may have been well in my fantasy world as well. Instead, the Skins were trailing and Mark Brunell decided Rod Gardner would look good in the endzone. But even after that first touchdown, I had a decent lead.
Sidenote: I think I would rather have two root canals than be using one eye to watch the Cowboys winning a Monday night game while the other eye stares at my computer where my own fantasy team inches towards a loss.
Back in real time, later in the fourth Rod Gardner scores again. I’m pretty sure I swore. I also kicked something. The Skins still trailed but, miracle of miracles, when the computer finally updates the score I still lead--y a point and half. But now I’m stuck, I’m staying up way too late to be at work on time and yet I can’t turn the game off in case the Skins actually manage the comeback. And I sure as heck can’t turn my computer off because I have to keep staring at my miniscule lead, making sure it doesn’t disappear, making sure the stat boys haven’t decided they think Rod should have fifteen more yards.
The Cowboys drain some clock, there’s clearly not enough time for the Redskins comeback, especially with no timeouts. I decide I have to go to bed. I shut down the computer. I turn out the lights. With the remote in one hand, I stand half in the hall when Brunell hits, of course, Rod Gardner for nine yards. But it was only nine, even without the computer, I can do that math. I still lead. Oh my goodness, I am going to win with Kenny Watson and Justin Fargas, I am going to win by six tenths of a point. Six tenths!
I am sure Redskins fans were heartbroken by the next play, the last play. Brunell heaves it up forty-six yards. The receiver somehow manages to come down with it but he doesn’t get out of bounds. If he’d gotten out of bounds, they could’ve lined up for the field goal and pushed overtime. Poor, poor Redskins fans. Cowboys win.
I’d say my heart goes out to all those Redskins fans. But it doesn’t. Because that damn receiver was Rod Gardner. With all due respect, Mr. Gardner, I now have to hate you. At least in this league.
Unless I can trade Kenny Watson for you.
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So, fellow sufferers, who's the least likely guy you have found yourself thrusting into fantasy starterdom? And how'd that work out for you? And what's yout most painful loss so far? Or the most painful one you've inflicted on someone else?
Fantasy Football 
"I’d say my heart goes out to all those Redskins fans. But it doesn’t. Because that damn receiver was Rod Gardner. With all due respect, Mr. Gardner, I now have to hate you. At least in this league. "
Isn't it funny how you can despise a player in one league and he's the man in another!
I dont know if I have a good story of a player I had to rely on, since I dont do 16 team leagues or anything above a 10.
I have started my fair share of quincy morgans, derrius thompsons, and josh reeds in the past though. 0 pts all around every time. I love when you spot start a guy, and if you had just picked anybody else ANYBODY ELSE in the entire nfl, you could have gotten a point.
And to post this a year and a half later means?
And to post this a year and a half later means?
I'll let it slide since he's a n00b.