Monday Night F%$#ball
October 21, 2004
Is it possible for me to get David Ortiz on my fantasy football team? I mean, there has to be a position somewhere for him, right? I'll take any of them, actually, give me Damon, give me D. Lowe, just gimme someone who doesn't choke.
Because this just isn't fair.
I have a fantasy football team that is the weekly whipping post of its league. And this is new to me, this is the first year that I have had losing records this deep into the season and I am not adjusting well. So this team is 0-6 now (that's foreshadowing, people, now guess how this goddamn story ends!) and they have lost four of their matches on Monday night--if you've been reading Pigskin and Hogwash for a while, you probably already know about a few of those.
And this week--whod've thunk it?--Monday Night Football has burned me again. (Do they have to play these ones, 'cause this whole Monday post meridian football matches thing is really, really getting out of hand. I know I've said some bad things about Al Michaels, but let it go.)
Here's how it goes down. I watch the games Sunday, I notice a lot of my boys on the various teams are doing downright okay. So, come Monday in the ante-meridian, I start going through my teams. A quick perusal tells me one very important thing: All of my teams have won! All of them. Even that winless group of bozos led by Travis "I'm afraid of the endzone and didn't even start this week" Henry and Jeff "I finally played well" Garcia.
Except, it wasn't entirely true yet, that team's opponent still had Torry Holt to play. But, hey, I had Bruce. Seriously, Holt would need to score, oh say, 124 yards and 2 touchdowns to Bruce's 11 yards and no score. Bruce only get 11 yards? Get real! (That's like foreshadowing but it's more of an ironic sarcasm, now guess what their final game stats were.)
With all of this good fortune and excellent managementshipping on my part, I actually started to worry, get this--what would I write about this week? It's been my modus operandi to bitch and whine about my losses--what will I do if every team wins?! (In theatrical terms this is called Sophoclean irony-where the audience knows things the character doesn't. Now guess who's an idiot.)
And Thus it was that the hubris of our protagonist woke the sleeping gods of fantasy football who promptly smited him. Or is it smote? Doesn't matter, the results the same, Holt scores and scores, Bruce watches, team loses by 7/10ths of a point! Smoke rises from my ashes.
To make it worse, I had the second best score in a 14 team league and lost! And now I'm 0-6!
Luckily, I have some winning teams I can now pay more attention to--I won't give up. (Nothing is worse than an owner mailing it in, it ruins the integrity of the league, for goodness sake, have some pride!) But, there's no doubt, the playoff contenders and the money leagues will now get a little more attention.
Do you know the trade offers you get when you're 0-6? They're awful. Everyone assumes you are the biggest fool since the owner who drafted Jeff Garcia as his starting QB...oh wait, that's me too.
So now the offers are pouring in: Jake Plummer and Onterrio Smith for Isaac Bruce and Travis Henry with a note attached, "Looks like you could use help at QB." Apparently, I could also use a brain transplant.
Someone offered me Kerry Collins! (Clearly they do not know about P&H here or if they do, they don't know I write it.) I tried to figure out what I would give for Kerry Collins and the best I could come up was that I think I might offer someone a cavity and a migraine but only if I also got a backup running back. Kerry Collins? I think I might. Come on, you can't offer Kerry Collins right now. Are you kidding, it's rude. It should be a rule. Minus ten points!
And Jeff Garcia actually had a good week.
Besides, when you look at the points scored totals, I should be a just below .500 team. Sure, that's not great, but there's a 4-2 guy who I have outscored 5 different times. If there are scheduling gods, what does a guy have to sacrifice to them? Lambs? Chickens? Cornerbacks? What? I'll do it, I'm not moral or ethical or anything, not when it comes to being in last place. Al Michaels? Just say the word.
There's just nothing worse. All anyone sees is the 0-6. They don't look at my totals or the scores in my matches or any of that, they just look down to the bottom and circle my team like vultures outside of Steinbrenner's office.
And there's nothing I can do about it. It's too late. The knowledge that I have a decent team that just hit a bad string of scheduling luck will be my only consolation. I can't make the playoffs without sweeping my next eight games--highly unlikely. I can't pull off any real trades because this league is convinced I am a moron.
But there are two things I can do to redeem this season/this league. First, I can try to play spoiler, try to gain joy from the modicum of pride that can be achieved by keeping others out of the playoffs.
That sucks! I don't know how coaches ever motivate people this way. "Sure, you're a loser, but hey, they could be too. Go get 'em!"
Second, I can see if I can try to get people to offer me trades that also include hidden benefits. For instance, I'd take that Jake Plummer deal for Bruce and Henry if he'll throw in a ten spot and his sister's phone number. That would be fair.
So, if anyone in this league is listening, here's the updated trading block:
Willing to offer: Isaac Bruce, Travis Henry, Jeff Garcia, Tyrone Wheatley, Baltimore Defense, Rod Smith, and Donald Driver.
Wanted: Auto service, laundering, money, things that improve sex-life, and a good QB. Not necessarily in that order.
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Any horror stories of losses you want to tell? What's the worst trade offer you've gotten so far? Anyone else willing to 'fess up and admit you're 0-6?
Fantasy Football 
the worst deal I was offered has to be I give hines ward I get jerome bettis
I let him to to that point in the season, Brown had scored more than Priest Holmes, and Andre Johnson had bested Terrel Owens in scoring.
He was trying to get the ball rolling but I thought this was outright rude. I'm 3-3 in both leagues, but I do have to say the trade of my year went down after week 3. I traded Priest Holmes and Emmit Smith, for Chris Brown and Tiki Barber. I got these two league leading backs from an owner I've known since grade school, and he is also our leagues commmish. He does have Dillon to start with holmes, but you can't give away the 2 top backs in the league for holmes and a bench rb.
May the scheduling gods improve your hellish nightmare of a season to date. However I also know what its like to loose by .47 to Javon Walkers huge day, and last week I put up 123 points only to lose to Dante Culpepper's 425 5td night. Lost by 5pts. I do respect your never give up attitude, as I to have been 0-6 and still bid 50+ dollars for free agents to block opposing players from filling in bye week holes, that I wasn't even playing. (we bid once a week (blind bidding) for free agents, one bid, no rebidding or second bids allowed, anything over 2 dollars is a valid bid, last week picking up mr droughens for 17 bones )
"I got a running back on pace for 18 touchdowns. He astonishingly scores a Touchdown every 5.2 carries. He is a former pro-bowler."