Thanks? For what?
November 25, 2004
Decades ago, when Columbus and the pilgrims found America, the indigenous people brought them corn. The pilgrims said, Thanks. Now, eons later, I get a short workweek. I like short workweeks. For that I feel it is my duty to also give thanks. To all of the real players making my fantasy seasons times of joy, I must give thanks. But what should I give to all of those real players who are making my fantasy seasons times of immense misery? What should I give them?
At first I thought the good guys would get Thanks and the crappy ones would get Spanks. But that sounded a little dirty and made me feel kind of uncomfortable, like my girlfriend would start looking at me sideways if I did that. Yanks? Even weirder. Bad punts are called shanks...but that would make almost no sense.
I think I have to give up on the rhyming ones.
I hate cranberry sauce, mostly because my family grew up on the stuff that came out of the can like some demented and unsweetened jello mold of a side dish. Disgusting. Therefore, my favorite players will get stuffing and turkey and gravy and my sister-in-law’s wicked good sweet potatoes. And all those guys that are killing me for one reason or another will get crappy store bought can-o-cran, lumpy mashed potatoes with no gravy, that weird veggie dish that some crazy aunt always brings and no rolls.
Oohh, and there’s a couple of guys that I might banish to the kiddie table.
So here goes, but before we can start doling out food, it’s important to say grace. And if there is one single player that gets the honor of leading my teams in pre-gorging prayer, it’s the same guy who gets to carve the bird, claim a leg if he wants it. Heck, he can hog the good stuffing, lick the gravy dish and fart at the table and he’ll still be the most deserving.
Tiki Barber! We offer you our grace.
"Our Tiki, who art in the endzone, hallowed be thy game. Thy fumbles none, thy yardage comes on the earth as it does through the heavens. Give us this day our hundred yards, and give us a score as we surpass those that do score against us. And lead us not into injury but deliver us the title. G-Men."
Let’s eat.
Getting the other leg if he so chooses, and first dibs at the potatoes, clealry it’s my man Antonio Gates. Antonio symbolizes the holiday spirit more than any other player on my teams. I have no idea why but it sounded really deep and hyperbolic. I think that when the pilgrims first saw San Diego (I’m not so great at history, but I think that would have been in the Dan Fouts years) they found themselves lacking a basketball player turned Tight End who you would be able to draft somewhere in the late rounds and have him outscore most of the receivers in your league. So I think the pilgrims could have really used Antonio, and for that they would have given thanks.
And I give Eddie Kennison gravy for being a cheap waiver wire pickup that has helped me overcome Randy Moss’ injury. I give Willis McGahee stuffing. I give Curtis Martin a second helping for his second wind and Jerome Bettis all the carbs he wants. The whole Pittsburgh D gets their own turkey and I’ll even save some food for one of my kickers.
Why, you may ask, isn’t Peyton Manning getting any of this wonderful fare? Has anyone been as capable of single-handedly carrying a team to victory? He is the MVP of almost every fantasy league, so why shall I leave him standing outside the door like a hungry puppy just because Aunt Patty’s allergic?
Because he’s not on a single one of my teams. Nope. I drafted people like Randy Moss (can-o-cran--for the injuries, be back by the playoffs or no dessert) and Travis Henry (kiddie table, no rolls, no gravy) with those early second round picks that would have been Peyton-perfect. Not that I’m bitter. After all, this is a time for thanks. To embrace that holiday mood, I just have to remember that I did get Brandon Stokley awful cheap, two Reggie Wayne's, and a Dallas Clark that has helped me sneak through a bye week or two. So, okay, Peyton can have a leftover sandwich...tomorrow!
Until then, bye-bye Mister Manning.
But if there’s one person who’s really getting no food, one person I am willing to treat like some whiny eight-year old that needs a four-hour timeout, it’s Jeff Garcia. What have you done? You are individually dragging down one team where, way back during the draft I said, "Let them all take QB’s, I’ll stock up on position players, snag Garcia and sail on into the playoffs." But you had other ideas. Instead you have sunk like the Santa Maria, or the Nina, or the Pinta--whichever one smashed into Plymouth Rock.
Stephen Davis, no food for you! When the Pilgrims fought the Minutemen in the Civil War, they did it so that every American would have the freedom to overeat and pass out on the couch while watching Detroit and Dallas play back-to-back. They did not do this so that a third round fantasy pick could hog up space on two of my rosters for ten weeks before finally being declared done for the season.
Chris Chambers! Who are you? One week you rack up a hundred and a score while the next it’s twenty-three whopping yards. You can have turkey. Wait, cauliflower. No, Turkey. Now, cauliflower. See, wouldn’t some consistency be nice? When Sacagawaea and Little Bighorn taught the pilgrims how to deep-fry a twenty pound bird, they were teaching the pilgrims the value of consistency. At least I think they were. They're very metaphorical.
Okay, maybe they weren’t. But the point is, you’re killing me! I have no idea whether to start you or drop you.
I know I already mentioned him but how in Tiki’s name could Travis Henry not find the end-zone in those first seven or eight games? That’s like trying to figure out how the Canadians didn’t discover America before the Pilgrims did--I mean it’s the big piece of land right in front of them both the whole time. But thank goodness they didn’t. If the Canadians had found it, this article would be in French and I don’t even speak French so I probably wouldn’t be the one writing it. And if Travis had found the end-zone, I wouldn’t have McGahee on my number one team.
Wow. I think I get it now. I think I finally understand the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Just in time to discover that I’m playing the guy with Manning and he's already thrown four touchdowns.
I'd rather have the long work week.
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Well, there’s plenty of room at the table, I’m drunk on tryptophan, there’s still pumpkin pie, tell me, for whom do you give thanks! And, if you must, banish a couple guys, too.
Fantasy Football 
I was one of those people who listened to all the "experts" and stuck with WR's and RB's with, at least, my first 3 picks, but now I've been forced to re-think that strategy. Manning is putting up the numbers of 2 RB's or 3 WR's combined! Will he do this year after year? Who knows, but one strategy I have NOT waivered from and NEVER will is picking my kicker last. I LOVED to laugh at those people who jumped on Vaderjagt and Wilkins in the 6th and 7th rounds and I'm still laughing.....I picked up Shayne Graham 2 weeks ago and he got me 18 points yesterday.....JACKPOT!!!!!
Now please explain to me why people will pick Vinatieri in those same rounds next year? Well....it won't be me....and once again I'll be laughing!
EXACTLY!!!