How much fantasy is too much?
August 31, 2005
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Word of warning: The following article contains no actual fantasy football advice. Any references to actual advice, either fictional or real, will be sheerly coincidence. This article will not help your team win your league.
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Ahhh, A new football season, a new fantasy season. Hope springs eternal. Just like the Cincinnati Bengals and the Arizona Cardinals, we are all still in it. At least until after we draft. But something is different this season. There seems to be a heck of a lot more fantasy out there. It used to be you had to go out and seek fantasy football advice. Now you are more likely to have to hide from it.
Is it hypocrisy for a fantasy football writer to write about the over-saturation of fantasy football advice in the media? Probably. So color me hypocritical because this is really getting on my nerves. I am sure some of us, and I am one of them, would actually like to hear a little bit about actual football.
But instead, last Sunday I was served up a healthy dose of each and every network's four talking heads giving me fantasy advice. Because if there's one person whose fantasy football advice I really want to know it's Terry Bradshaw's. Come on, can he even use a mouse? Oh, but I am sure he has the in-depth statistical and analytical abilities to give me the leg-up on my competition that'll help me win my league. (And they all say that, every one of these shows and websites and specials are all designed to help me win my league. But everyone in my league is seeing them too! And we can't all win, can we? Fantasy Football is not one of those lame cooperation games. It’s not a Caucus Race where "Everybody wins and all must have prizes!")
To start one brilliantly conceived episode, Jimmy Johnson actually compared the NFL draft to the fantasy football draft. That's useful. He told us oh-so-sagely that in the case of both drafts you’re looking at past performance to gauge future performance. Quick, where's my notebook? But--and this is where the subtle differences between the two drafts begin to creep into the picture--in the NFL draft you’re actually looking at how they performed in college not the pros. If only my pen wasn't out of ink, how will I possibly remember all this? Even more interesting, that was apparently the only difference because he moved on to telling me how NFL players get older every year and that this aging process can diminish their performance as well as their playing time. These are the insights that will help me win my league.
I stopped watching because I didn't feel the need to spend an hour listening to them tell me such mind-blowing ideas like that LaDainian Tomlinson might be a good first pick.
Meanwhile, over at the world-wide leader, you can get all the fantasy advice you can pay for. And such useful advice it is. At this time of the season, all of the experts run out the same dry articles giving the same draft strategy advice you hear every year. I actually stopped to read one of these draft guides. (I'm not sure why, maybe because it was actually free. Maybe because I thought there might be something useful I hadn't thought of. Maybe because I am a masochist.) Thank goodness I did, otherwise I never would have heard the novel approach that you ought to draft at least two running backs with your first three picks.
Oh, and here was a good one—"Come to the draft prepared." Are you kidding me? People get paid to write this trash? Same guy told me to get a good night’s sleep before the draft. Seriously, if you’re at the point in an article where you're telling people to rest, maybe just end the article, you know? Stop there. Maybe your article's over. Maybe you're out of advice. I'm just sayin'.
And has Madden gotten into this gig yet? Because there's a guy whose fantasy football advice I really want to hear. Not use or anything crazy, just listen to for comedy's sake. If he and Al Michaels were in a league together, that is something I would actually pay for. Heck, I'd pay just to get to look at the draft results and laugh hysterically.
With all of this bombardment, you'd think there’d be some new angles. But there's just more of the same. So, because I am by nature helpful and opposed to any criticsm other than constructive, I am going to give out a few suggestions of articles I'd like to see and anyone can feel free to use them and I won't even ask for credit. A few bucks tossed my way wouldn't hurt but otherwise…
Okay, I'd like an article that examines in a statistical manner the relationship between a team's name and their success. I mean, the naming of the team is always one of the great challenges every season. Do I go with something tough? Something funny? Can I use irony and call my team the Sugar Bunnies? How important is it to sound like an actual football team? Does alliteration help? Do names with references to food products enjoy a greater proportion of success than smash-mouth nomenclature? Now there's some burning questions. But by all means, just tell me that you think Peyton might be a serviceable quarterback.
I'd like an article devoted to how to taunt other owners effectively and in a timely fashion while participating in an online draft. How can I rattle the guy right before me into passing on Marvin Harrison to start the third round if I have to type my jibes into a tiny little text box and can’t just keep spewing Caddyshack jokes and Python references? How do I get them drunk if I'm not with them? Can I get them e-drunk?
And how about an article where they fess up on all the idiotic predictions they made last year? It'd be fun to see a little 'mea culpa' from these experts.
And purely for the sake of difference--How about one specifically designed to help me lose my league?
Actually, that sounds like an article for me to write. Everyone has their specialty.
So until then, dear reader, draft safely, trade wisely, and if you see a major network trotting out the usual suspects for a fantasy football special, duck. Unless you're in one of my leagues. Then you should take detailed notes.
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Okay, peoples, what's most annoying you about this glut of fantasy advice? Or maybe you like it. And I will field any and all suggestions of how to goad people into bad picks, live or online. I ask this because this particular article is not designed to help you win your league, it's designed to help me win mine.
Fantasy Football 
