Where's the magic?
September 28, 2005
Three weeks now, maybe more. Maybe you drafted in early August but you and your team have really only been together for three weeks. And, well, the honeymoon’s over already, ain’t it? Sure, those of you who got the prize catches like LT and Shaun Alexander are still happy, glowing like one of those ridiculously cute couples that ought to be shrunk down into an enamel figurine and put on the mantel. Some of you have McNabb and though there have been some scare, all seems well, cozy in the end (but is the writing on the wall?)
But most of us have a few people whose behavior is not only baffling us, but starting to become really annoying: the ridiculously low rushing yards, the completely absent touchdown passes, the incredibly annoying way they squeak while they brush their teeth.
But how do you know for sure that it’s time to let go? I mean, it’s one thing to dump Javon Walker, chances are you left him a while ago. (And I hope you realize what a coward you are--dumping someone the moment something goes a little wrong. You don’t know the meaning of "commitment". Of course, neither do I, since I dropped him for the first wideout with a pulse.)
So because cutting ties is never easy, especially with the guys you drafted in the first few rounds, I am here to offer some assistance from my wide store of painfully gained wisdom. “How to break up with your fantasy football starters” or “You’re just not meeting my needs.”
What you really need to focus on is exactly what you are going to say. After all, you may not want to cut all ties entirely, maybe you want to remain friends (bench them but don’t drop them). Or maybe they are much larger and stronger than you and you simply have to avoid really making them angry for personal safety reasons. Or maybe they’re a tad crazy and you are afraid of ending up with a stalker situation on your hands where an NFL player is suddenly making phone calls from behind the tree in your front yard, killing pet rabbits, and reporting you to the police for crimes happening across the entire mid-Atlantic region (seriously, I was in New England at the time, she was just nuts. I swear).
Here’s some helpful ways and handy tips to deal with the guy who was supposed to be a stud but has, so far, been a dud. Here at P&H, we're all about practical advice for the fantasy footballer.
Jamal Lewis—Break the news easy to this guy. Trust me, be gentle, he's huge and he's done time. But you have to do something, I mean, he got 9 yards on 10 carries against the Titans. Some guy named Willie Parker did slightly better against the Titans as I recall, so this is, in fact, a problem. I’d suggest standing several feet away and try to make it go something like this, “Promise you won’t get mad. Promise? Yes? Okay…….I’m benching you.” Then run away.
Peyton Manning—“Is the magic gone? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, who are you? Two touchdown passes? Two!? Where’s the yardage? Where’s the poise? Where’s Dallas Clark and Brandon Stokley? But mostly, where’s the Peyton I fell in love with? There’s no way I can actually end it with you, but…well, I don’t know how to tell you this but…I’ll just come out and say it--I’m starting to have feelings for your little brother.”
Domanick Davis—“Don’t take it personally, Double D, okay. I don’t think it’s your fault you’ve been so useless. It’s probably Dom but that just doesn’t change the fact that I feel like my needs aren’t being met. And I really don’t see how that’s going to change.”
Andre Johnson—See above: Davis, Domanick.
Daunte Culpepper—“Okay, you made good on your second chance, so I’ll take you back for now. But so help me, if you backslide…”
Trent Green—Trent’s like that girlfriend that was never flashy and not terribly sexy but was reliable, you know, she had a good job, nice car, and didn’t mind your obsession with sports. Well, now she’s starting to nag too much, hanging out on your couch and is, well let’s admit it, letting herself go. But you’ve been here before--as soon as you break up with her, she’ll get back in shape, take care of herself, and the next time you see her she’ll be ridiculously hot with a new tattoo in a very nice place. I have no advice here, decide for yourself.
Deuce McAllister—This one'll be hard, he's been through some pretty heavy stuff lately. But if you feel you must: “We just need a break, a timeout that’s all. As soon as you and your friends get your act together, I’ll take you back. Until then, I think we should just cool it for now.”
And, finally, Chad Pennington—“Oh…really…that’s awful…wow...awful…, hey um, do you, uh, do you have Drew Bledsoe’s number?”
Of course, personal style is important. Add touches that show you care but that you mean it. Be firm, even if they start crying. And by all means make sure you remain friends. Just as you have with every single ex you've said that to.
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Okay, who do you really think you need to break up with and how do you plan on doing it? Help out your fellow owners here people, how do we let them down easy? Who's worth hanging onto even if they've been entirely useless so far?
Fantasy Football 
