Maybe Hank Williams Jr. Hates Me
October 12, 2005
Do we really need to have Monday Night Football? I mean, seriously, it’s killing me. I know that MNF is now an embedded part of American television tradition and that we’ve had it for some 357 years now (or half of John Madden’s life) but it seems to take a particularly antagonistic approach to my fantasy football team.
Let’s see…where can I find a good example? Oh, right, this last game between the Steelers and the Chargers. This was clearly the game of the week, and not only because it was easily the best matchup but also because my fantasy football battle included four key players in that game. And this was the biggest matchup of my season so far, I was taking on the only team above me in my division, and the only undefeated team in the league. This was the Cowboys-Eagles game of my fantasy league.
Mine were the Chargers, his were the Steelers. I had Nate Kaeding and Brees, he had Big Ben and the Bus. I should have known right then and there that I was in trouble; he had the two players with cool nicknames and those two cool nicknames even had cross alliteration. I had a kicker and a guy whose name happens to be a homonym for a light wind, the very same light wind on which my chances of winning could blow away.
But I had the lead. And I had freakin’ earned it! This was my bye week from hell: six players with a week 5 pass. Two Vikings, two Chiefs. and two Giants. With 9 starters and a 15 man roster, my entire bench was made up of bye week players.
Well, at least my line-up decision was easy. “Let’s see, should I play Tiki or Domanick Davis? Hmm….” I was also stuck without Plaxico Burress a week after he almost single-handedly took me to the highest score in the league. Trent Green, Mewelde Moore, Larry Johnson and Marcus Robinson rounded out my team. (“Marcus Robinson?” you ask. To which I reply, “Please don’t ask. I had Javon Walker and had to do something with what was available.”)
Anyway, I also had Andre Johnson in my lineup. Again, not really a choice since I drafted him in the fifth round, already lost Walker, et cetera. He, as many of you know, left the game early in the first quarter after scoring nothing. But I had a few tricks left in the bag. One of those tricks is the Colts defense. I am particularly proud of this trick because I actually drafted them after placing them fifth on my defensive cheat sheet and still got them in the late rounds. I had high hopes, but not this high. One of my league mates keeps telling me I got lucky because they have only faced some pretty anemic offenses so far. I replied that it wasn’t the Colts fault that the 49ers offense had a deficient red blood cell count and that the Colts were only allowed to play whoever they were scheduled to play.
Besides, I am pretty sure they publish an entire schedule for every team before the season begins. Which, if you’d like, you can use to help determine who you draft. Just an idea.
Sorry, back to the matter at hand. So, the Colts defense, Domanick Davis and Willis McGahee, Ferguson and Santana Moss all gave me a twelve point lead going into the Steelers-Chargers game. They had helped me overcome the loss of Andre Johnson and all the bye week boys. In fact, I was looking good for the chances of having the highest score in the league for the second straight week and taking over first place in my division.
Then, Monday night comes around. Now, if you are like me, you’re a tad obsessive about your fantasy football team and like to keep checking the live scoring page to see exactly how things are shaping up. Further, I was very interested in the outcome of the baseball game. And I wanted to simply enjoy the best game of the football week. (Being in Maryland, I was subjected to an atrocious selection of televised football games this weekend.)
The first quarter did almost nothing, lots of punting. Breezy (does anyone call him that?) did nothing, Ben did nothing, the Bus scored a couple fantasy points and I still had a decent lead. The second comes around and things begin to fray—Ben rushes for a score, the Bus rushes for a score, Breezy (look, it’s catching on already) has an interception, and I wore a path in my carpeting rushing between the living room and the den to watch my lead disappear and even turn into a minor deficit. Finally, just before the half, Brees connects with Gates, the Chargers are only down seven and I retake the lead.
I made sure to re-hydrate myself at halftime. Thought about moving my computer directly in front of my tv. I also tried game planning but it turns out they listen to Schottenheimer and, besides, it’s impossible to get a call into the locker room during games. I don’t think they even knew who I was.
The third quarter and into the fourth was all me. The Steelers did almost nothing while Kaeding pops three field goals and suddenly things are looking good. Brees has compiled some yardage, Ben and the Bus seem to have disappeared. The Chargers and I both have a lead. All is well.
You know the moment in a horror flick when our protagonists think they have just killed the axe-murderer/vampire/werewolf/maniac and everyone in the theater except for our protagonists knows that the axe-murderer/vampire/werewolf/maniac isn’t really dead? Cue up that musical score now.
Somehow, the Pittsburgh offense decides that they should probably come back to life and clutch our protagonist, who thinks nothing of standing right next to the body, by the ankle. Three plays. Three passes. Sixty-two yards. Touchdown. Pittsburgh takes the lead. I am barely clinging to one now. A quick sprint to my computer shows me that it is down to a 2 point lead. This league only uses whole points, none of those decimal places here. Thank goodness, otherwise Breezy’s (turns out if you use it three times it is an official nickname) 18 passing yards and 7 rushing yards on the next drive would have combined to give me an extra point. Instead, they both keep him from adding anything to his totals. Meanwhile, LT scores a touchdown.
This is where it becomes clear that Marty Schottenheimer has no idea who I am. If Kaeding kicks the extra point, I go up by 3. But Marty is apparently trying to win his game and so he goes for two. Looking back, we both lost the game on that play.
On the Steelers last drive, Big Ben throws for only 19 yards. The Bus rushes for 21. I know that gives the Bus and my opponent two more points. Pittsburgh wins and I am happy for them. I tie and I am not so happy for me but I'll take it. I take a moment to see the final score in the baseball game, celebrate mildly that the Yankees lost (sorry, Yankee fans).
Then I make a much more leisurely stroll to my computer to shut her down for the night. But alas, something was amiss.
I mentioned that this league only uses whole points. It’s one point for ten rushing yards, and one for 25 passing yards. Big Ben’s 19 yards on that last field goal drive brought him to a grand total of exactly 225 yards. Which gave him 9 points for passing yards, 1 for rushing, and 12 for the two touchdowns. El Autobus pitched in 12. Brees got a total of 8 for yards, 6 for the td and minus 3 for the interception. Kaeding pitched in 10.
I scored the second highest points in my league.
I didn’t just lose by a point, I lost by a single passing yard. Ben passes for 224? I tie. 225?…Well, I’m still in second place. But now I am two games back.
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Any heart-breaking losses out there? Bye week hells? This column was a very, very long-winded bitch session about my last fantasy week. Bitch right along with me.
Fantasy Football 
Also, I have beem in the top 3 in my leaage for all weeks except the first, yet I have a record of 2-4 because I keep playing one of the top two teams each week !!!!!