No Love Lost: The Valentine's Issue

Dear Penthouse Forum:
I can't believe that I'm writing you this letter. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before, so I had to share it with someone. Hmm...where to start, where to start... Okay, Jenny was my younger brother Jimmy's girlfriend. God was she hot -- 19 years old and built like a goddess. I had always caught a look here and there at her...but nothing even remotely sexual had ever occurred between us. To my surprise, though, this was all about to change. I had just got a new pool table...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wrong letter...sorry about that. Bad Jay! Control yourself...

Ahhh....welcome to Me Against The World, the FIC's newest weekly column, by yours truly. Perhaps the best way to begin this odyssey would be to make a slight introduction to the insanity that is sure to follow in the coming weeks -- so, that is where I shall begin. The basis for this column is actually quite simple; it will be a weekly voyage into world of sports, and the world at large as well, done solely through my eyes. Regardless of what topics I may cover in the future, this will always be predominantly an opinion piece, and should be taken as such. I am here to push your buttons, spark arguments, and, above all, entertain the masses (including myself). So, without further adieu...as Dr. Dre once so eloquently spoke: "Journey with me into the mind of a maniac..."

Welcome to the Valentine's issue...hot off the presses, more than a full day after the most dreaded of holidays for most American males. I'm not a real big fan of holidays anyhow, but I believe that Valentine's Day takes the cake in terms of a completely unnecessary evil. So, you love someone? Show them everyday. The "one day to celebrated love" argument has never had any weight whatsoever. Card companies and florists need V-Day to stay in business, and we all buy into it. Why? I can't speak for you, but I know why I continue to participate in this charade...because if I don't, the next 364 days can easily be ruined by one woman, my girlfriend.

Rather than continue on this tirade, though, I have chosen this week to concentrate on the things in sports that I love. This is my love letter, of sorts, to the wonderful world of sports...and all the escapist joy that it gives me, and millions of others.

I'm a list kind on guy, so there are certain to be times when a list or two pops up here...so I might as well get the ball rolling with week one. I give to you The Ten Greatest Things About Sports:

Number 10 -- The National League (MLB)
I love baseball period...but nothing compares to the way the game is played in NL ballparks. I love a game built around pitching, base running, and timely hitting. There is a certain historic enjoyment that can only truly come into play in the National League. There is one predominant reason for this, and I'll be the first to say it. I hate the DH, always have, always will. Few things can compare to the potential debacle that is a pitcher at the plate. We fans of NL teams all know the anxiety that a pitcher hitting brings to the game. It's early in the game...the bases are loaded...no score, 1 out...and the pitcher is at the plate. This is a huge situation in the course of a game, and could easily determine the winner. Will the team try the suicide squeeze? Will he swing away? What is the opposing pitcher commits the cardinal sin that is walking a pitcher? This is the type of situation that affirms my love for the NL.

Number 9 -- The Future of the NBA
Shaq, Kobe, TMac, KG, CWebb, Dirk, Timmy D., J Kidd. The names are already synonymous with greatness in the minds of a lot of NBA fans. Jordan is still the King, as he will always remain...but the All Star game made it official. Jordan gracefully handed the torch to these guys, knowing full well that the league was in good hands. There are still some problems...Vince Carter probably being the biggest. If not for peer pressure, Jordan would have came off the bench in his All Star finale. Why? Because Vince Carter has an over inflated image of himself. The fans should never had voted for this future Grant Hill in the first place. Let's stick to the positive, though. I believe the NBA has a very bright future.

Number 8 -- The Long Distance Shootout
Speaking of the All-Star Game...there is truly only one reason to tune in to "All Star Saturday Night" -- the Shootout. The Dunk Contest, is, (yawn) boring. Even the dunks this year by Jason Richardson and Desmond Mason were not nearly as "spectacular" as the announcers made them out to be. The other events are gimmicky, and not really competitive. That leaves us with the shootout. As much as I may love the dunk (Shaq is my favorite player), nothing quite compares to the beauty of a perfect jump shot. On an empty court, all alone, the only thing that I really enjoy watching one player do is bury threes. One note, though -- I'd love to see them bring back the Old Timers games that used to be an All Star Weekend staple.

Number 7 -- The Bengals
They are, perhaps, the most loveable losers in all of sports. As hard as it may be at times, my support for my hometown losers will never really go away. The fact that people, like me, continue to support losers...is a beautiful thing. Oh, did I mention...the Bengals are Super Bowl bound next year? Well, they are...I swear.

Number 6 -- "The Evil Empire"
If not for the evil empires in sports, winning would never be as fun. Everyone has that one team that they absolutely can't stand, and few things are as enjoyable as your squad "taking it to" the bad guys. Whole cities despise other cities. Even different factions within the same city can come to blows over their dedication to their favorite teams (Mets vs. Yankees fans, or Jets vs. Giants). It's a beautiful thing. Take away the Cleveland Browns and their "fans" (I'd much rather call them something else), and my love for the Bengals may not be as intense.

Number 5 -- "The Pitchers"
Great pitching is an amazing asset for any MLB team. Unfortunately, great pitchers are hard to come by these days...and, by great I mean simply that every time this guy takes the hill, you fully expect your team to win, no question about it. There are really only 3 of these guys in the majors right now -- Pedro, The Unit, and Schilling. There are several more looking to add their name to this list (Zito, Oswalt, Lowe to name a few), and several that were once on this list, but have lost some of their magic (Maddux, Clemens, Glavine to name a few). Rest assured, though, anytime that any of those 3 guys are on the mound, I am glued to my t.v. Power hitters are fairly easy to come by these days, but the "master hurl" is truly what piques my interest these days.

Number 4 -- Anna
I'd love to go into more depth here, but is it really necessary? Everyone has their "sport" dream girl. It just happens that she is most present in the minds of males at this point in time.

Number 3 -- Parity
There is one reason why the NFL is the most successful league in this country. Any team...well except for the Bengals, I guess...has a shot at the Super Bowl next year. The salary cap present in the NFL has forced teams to even the playing field, from top to bottom. Regardless of how your team finished this year...everyone believes that their team is "one guy away from the Super Bowl." This is what keeps fans interested in the NFL, even in the off-season. It's also the only real reason why a 300 pound man would go shirtless in 20 below weather...

Number 2 -- Pete Rose
I love a scandal as much as the next guy...but this Pete thing needs to be put to rest. I don't care if he bet on baseball...which is very hard for me to say, as, for the most part, I am a baseball purist. Keep him away from the game for the rest of eternity, but put him in the Hall Of Fame. The legitimacy of the institution is called into question every time this subject is breeched, and it shouldn't be. The All-Time hits king, and one of the greatest players ever...deserves to be in the Hall...regardless of what may have happened once he decided to manage. The Hall Of Fame just isn't as illustrious without "Charlie Hustle" being enshrined there. Put him in.

Number 1 -- Fantasy Sports
Duh...it's the whole basis of this site. A fantasy squad is as close as 99.9% of the world will ever come to running a major professional sports franchise. Nothing else, and I mean nothing, compares to the fanatical nature of fantasy nuts. Take the names Austin Kearns and Mark Prior. Before their emergence, your average sports fan across the nation had no idea who these guys were. That said, every single correspondent on this site had been singing these guys praises from spring training on last year. We know about these things because of our addiction to the wonderful world of Fantasy sports.

Well, there you go…1700 words later, this week is done. I could have thrown in several more, but there must be a limit. There MUST. What do you love about sports? Did I hit on any of your favorites? Feel free to comment on any, or all of the ramblings of this here guy. Anyone into dwarf tossing…let me know. My technique is flawless.

Oh, and don’t expect every week to be this tame. Rather than ruffle feathers this week, I decided to pay a little tribute. But rest assured, the time is coming…(insert maniacal laugh here)

Till next week…I’m out of here. THERE'S A BEAVER CHASING ME.