I Love To Climb Trees Part II

Unauthorized: The Michael Jackson Interview Part II

Mandatory Disclaimer:
THIS IS A JOKE!!! The following is a work of fiction, from beginning to end. If you are looking for the truth about the King of Pop, look elsewhere. This is a parody, and should be taken as such. And, for those of you with any sense of decency, you've been forewarned -- this column may be detrimental to your mental health. Enjoy...

Part of my initial agreement with the Michael Jackson camp involved an “approval clause.” Essentially what this entails is that before I print any portion of my interview with the gloved one, I MUST run it by Jackson’s publicist. I readily agreed to such a demand, realizing that it was my one shot at actually getting the man to sit down with the lowly likes of me. This is what I did with the first portion of the interview, and, to my surprise, the publicist only insisted that I cut out a few minor details of my initial account with Neverland. Well…I’ve never been the type that follows rules of any kind…so screw it. Due to popular demand, part II of the Jackson interview has not been cleared by Jackson’s people. It is the raw, uncut version of what was said…as well as the events going on during this period in time. This is for you, the few fans that I have this early into this weekly ordeal…so if (or should I say when) I get sued for this, I’m looking to you to help with the lawyer fees.

Without further adieu…part II…

Jay: So, Michael…we’ve established that you’re a big fan of Football…any particular team that you’d call your favorite?

MJ: Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t like to bog myself down with choosing one favorite. I mean, why should I limit myself in such a manner? The children and I like to watch all kinds of football…all the way from pee wee leagues to the NFL. We love it all.

J: So, how do you decide which team to root for?

MJ: It’s actually quite simple. I have two criteria. Generally, I try to root for the team with the prettier uniform. That’s pretty important as far as I’m concerned. Secondly, and most importantly, I like to pull for the guys with the tighter uniforms on.

Note to self…ignore that Jay…

J: So, who’s got the best uniforms out there Michael?

MJ: It’s no contest. Those powder blue jerseys that the team with the lightning bolt on their helmets wear (he means the Chargers)…ohh…they are so cute, and they fit so well. I thought about wearing that type of uniform during my next tour.

J: I think a lot of people out there would love to see that, Michael. Who’s your favorite athlete? A football star I presume…

MJ: Oh, no…come on now. There are only two people on this earth that come to mind when you hear the initials MJ. I am one of them; the other is my favorite athlete.

I guess I’ll humor him…

J: MJ…hmmm…I have no idea who you’re talking about. Please, enlighten us Mr. Jackson.

MJ: Michael Jordan is my favorite athlete…although Magic would be a close second.

At this point in the interview, Michael breaks into an impromptu performance of the song “Jam.” It’s a strange thing when you’re alone in a room with a grown man screeching like a pigeon while grabbing his crotch. I’m getting more uncomfortable by the second here.

MJ: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Assuming this to be the conclusion of his performance, I applaud…praying he will stop accordingly. Thankfully, he does. Michael is smiling now, clearly happy with himself. Seeing the man actually have the nerve to let his guard down in an interview with me immediately draws my ire. It’s time to take my first stab at the man’s eccentricities…

J: Michael, why in god’s name did you dangle your baby from high above the streets in that hotel in Europe?

MJ: What? Haven’t I covered this enough already? Ohhh…okay. I had a really tight grip on him. The crowd below was begging for a look at my child, so I gave them a quick look. The baby was never in any danger.

J: Oh, come on Michael. You and I both know, that is a huge load of BS. You can tell the truth. Your publicist isn’t here.

Michael contemplates whether or not to continue with this question for a few seconds.

MJ: Well, maybe that isn’t exactly the truth…so, what I’m about to tell you is off the record.

Note to self…me speak-a no englis -- no understando dis “off the record”.

MJ: The truth is...it’s really the chef’s fault. I fired her because of this.

J: The chef? Michael, what are you talking about?

MJ: Well, I had just come home from a tough day. My stupid chef had decided to feed the children burritos for lunch that day. Well, my youngest child had spent the entire afternoon “making the #2” all over my hotel room. Being the good father that I am, I tried to remain calm. So I went over to the kid and said “now didn’t you make quite the mess today?” I picked him up and carried him to the bathroom…still fighting the violent urge inside of me. I was just about to sit him in the sink for a bath when he exploded all over my brand new Sean Jean velour suit. So, I decided I was going to throw that little son of a biscuit out the window. I got as far as the ledge when I realized that there was a crowd below watching me. I would’ve tossed his butt too. I swear it. Kids suck sometimes, man…they really do. The dry cleaners never could get that brown stain out of my $500 white suit.

J: See, Michael…that wasn’t so hard. The truth shall set you free.

MJ: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know why people think I’m so crazy. Anyone in my situation would have done the same thing.

J: Sure, I’ve contemplated throwing kids from hotel room balconies plenty of times.

Apparently Michael doesn’t have any type of sarcasm detector…because I’m laying it on thick.

MJ: Well, it may have been my first brush with attempted murder…but it certainly won’t be my last.

J: Speaking of murder, Michael…what do you think of O.J…guilty or innocent?

MJ: Oh, he killed those two good white people…without a doubt. I was pretty shocked to see a black man get away with murder, here in these United States of America. I mean, I used to be a black man…so I know how difficult it can be. Sometimes I wish I was still black, because then I might not be harassed the way that I am. I’d rather have ladies clutch their purses when I walk by, or be followed when I go in a store…then have people attack my sexuality and affection towards toddlers.

J: You used to black, Michael? I had no idea. What’s up with the nose, man? Does that thing actually work?

MJ: YES!!! Come on, does it really look that bad?

Note to self…YES!!!!!

J: No Michael, but my readers demand answers to the tough questions. What I mean is, can you smell what the Rock is cooking?

MJ: Most definitely…though I’d much rather taste the Rock…

I was expecting him to finish this thought with something along the lines of “Rock’s cooking”…but he didn’t.

J: What was it Michael…too many nose jobs?

MJ: Oh, I love those.

J: Michael, I said NOSE jobs.

MJ: Oh…no that wasn’t it. When you’ve done as much cocaine as I have…your face is destined to cave in at some point. That’s why I switched to crack a couple years ago. People always ask me whey I have all those bandages on my fingers. Have you ever held a crack pipe? Man, they get hot.

J: No, Michael…I can’t say that I have.

MJ: You wanna smoke some? I’ll tell Bubbles to bring some down to the hut.

J: Bubbles…you mean you smoke crack with that chimp of yours?

MJ: Oh yeah. He can smoke me under the table. Bubbles loves the crack, man…loves it.

J: Good to know, Michael…but I think I’ll have to pass. This heroin addiction that I’ve got going is all I can handle right now.

MJ: Oh, okay…maybe next time.

It was at this point in the interview that the Oompa Loompas made their first appearance.

***NOTE -- Due to the length of this article, the column has been split up into 3 separate postings. Look for Part 1 in the links at the right of the page. And make sure that you don’t miss Part III in the series -- The Oompa Loompa games -- coming this weekend to M.A.T.W. ***