Root Beer and Penguins

Well, well, well.

I don't really even know where to begin today. You see, I'm pissed off America...yet again. No, pissed off doesn't exactly describe my mood. I guess it's more of a distressing, depression type of vibe.

Why, you ask? It's my fantasy squads, people...they're enough to make me run with scissors. Who would've thought that Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling, and Greg Maddux would all be off to such bad starts? Maddux, arguably the most consistent pitcher of all time, has BY HIMSELF already destroyed my pitching staffs in two separate leagues. Now, those 3 aren't the only ones yet to produce this year, but they're the most prevalent in my mind...because they're actually on my rosters.

My luck isn't all bad, though (I guess). You see, somehow I've avoided ownership of the two biggest injuries this year. This is the first time in years that I haven't had Jeter on a least 2 or more squads. Call me crazy, but I think that his projected timetable is way too optimistic. When, or maybe even if, Jeter returns this season, he won't be the same guy. I'd be incredibly surprised if he is any type of fantasy factor at all this season. And, of course, there is that Griffey guy. I've always attempted to avoid drafting Junior...because I know that he is cursed. I warned oodles of you (yes I just used the word oodles) that he was too risky to draft anywhere before the 10th round (at least). So, to those of you who took a chance on Griffey early in your drafts...chances are you might be in a little bit of trouble. My advice at this point -- if you can get anything in return for him, get rid of him. He is my favorite player currently active in the league, and one of my all time faves...but Griffey isn't worth the roster spot, if you can at all avoid it.

Now...just a little more fantasy advice before I move on. At this point in the season, the idiots are sure to come out of the woodworks. Make sure that you check your waiver wires everyday, because players will appear on there that you will be shocked to see. Many fantasy owners, due to impatience or downright stupidity, give up on superstars far too quickly. So, be on the look out for names like Maddux and Berkman. There are morons everywhere...so be sure that you're there to take advantage of them.

And in current events...what in the name of Buddha is the Baseball Hall of Fame thinking? I really should attribute the stupidity here to the guy in charge at Cooperstown....so, it's his fault. I'd give you a name here, but I can't think of it off the top of my head, and research be damned. Let's just call him Mr. Dumass (ring a bell anyone?). Anyhow, Mr. Dumass had decided to cancel all festivities this weekend in Cooperstown in celebration of Bull Durham -- which, in my humble opinion, is the best baseball flick ever made. Why has he done such a thing? Could it be the weather? No. Maybe out of respect for our military? No. Is there an outbreak of elephantitis in New York? No. The celebration was called off because of Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon's political views. Get the funk out of here! Someone's got their head just a little too close to their large intestine. Come on now...you've all head my views on the war, so clearly I don't agree in the slightest with anything that comes out of the mouth of Nuke LaLoosh or Miss Annie Savoy -- but what exactly do their political beliefs have to do with Bull Durham? Mr. Dumb Ass, sorry I mean Dumass, even went so far as to say that a celebration of the film might be detrimental to the troops. Did I read this right? Could anyone really be this stupid? Ahhhh...I'm telling you...Zoos, man...lock these morons up. And Kevin Costner has to be all bent out of shape about this turn of events. There goes his weekend. Now, he's going to be stuck doing the same thing he does every weekend -- coming up with yet another way to tarnish his once honorable career (3000 Miles to Graceland anyone?). The Hall is way off base here. If you're going to celebrate any baseball flick, this is the one...so I urge Mr. Dumass to reconsider...or face the wrath of the midget mafia.

You know...I originally had something else in mind for this weekend's column...but I've got to be honest with you. It just didn't turn out too well. As I've mentioned before -- when I decided to undertake this weekly column, I wanted to keep everything fresh; no planning, no in depth thought, no calculated jokes. Well, I almost crossed that line this week...but I must say, I'm a better man for not giving in to temptation. All of you should also be complemented because I didn't want to fail you. I could easily have dumped the steaming pile of crap that I had written on all of you -- but, luckily for all of us, I am my toughest critic. You might be wondering...why even mention it, if it was that bad? Well, let's just say that it went down hard. The underlying theme of the scrapped article may still see the light of day, but I'll have to rework it, because it just fell flat.

That said, though...I'll give you a little taste of what this week might have had in store. It's one of the best opening lines I've ever come up with, so I hate to see it go to waste. Well, here it is...what could have been...

So, there I was...buck naked playing foosball with a penguin.

From that point on, it went off on several different tangents...and, all in all, I just couldn't save it. So, the entire column (including those portions I mentioned as a preview last week) has been sacrificed for the greater good.

Enough of that nonsense...

I leave you this week with yet another joke from my arsenal. Enjoy

The Three Dwarfs

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guinness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guinness Book of
World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awhile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Barry Bonds?!?!!"

About Next Week: I will be out of town next weekend, involved in some type of drunken debauchery no doubt. For this reason, there will be no MATW column next weekend. Be sure to tune in April 26th for the next installment.