Pimp Juice

I know you wanna put your feet on my rug, don't you? You really wanna put your feet on my rug...

Well, go ahead. It's a little dirty, but if you don't mind, I don't mind. Oh...and ignore that stain. Don't ever let anyone tell you that yagermeister and heroin go hand in hand. Trust me, they don't. I haven't felt that bad since that night in Belgium. Mmmm...the appeal of a claustrophobic "woman of the night" did me in that time. Never again, I tell you. From here on out, I'm sticking to bible studies and Yu-gi-oh (or something like that) conventions. Maybe then my rug will be a little more presentable.

So, America...here I sit, a cheetah at my right, a concoction of Crown and coke to my left...two weeks removed from my last venture into the MATW column. Did my one week vacation from this little column have any drastic affects on the world around me? Well, from what I've heard, there was rioting all along the Ivory Coast. Cars were flipped; buildings were burned; midgets were attacked. Apparently, those guys just can't get enough of this mad man. The deafening chants of "Bring back Jay! Bring back Jay!" echoed throughout the week. But, aside from that, all is well, I assume.

I used last weekend to catch up on some things that I've been neglecting since I undertook this little assignment. First of all, the hamster ultimate fighting championship hasn't been the same since I took my protégé off the circuit. So, my little champion and I headed off to Madagascar for the world championship this past weekend. Let me tell you, my friends...Silent Bob, the hamster assassin, wreaked havoc on the competition. His jujitsu is flawless, and no one could contend with the furry little bastard. His time off only enraged him, and I am happy to report that Silent Bob is now the reigning UFC hamster champion.
Secondly, I did something else funny. Use your imagination. I'll give you some inspiration. It probably had something to do with the pope, a pie eating contest, and some sort of incident involving a Howie Long impersonator. There you go...

Anyhoo...let's move on. I'm sure none of you really give a damn about my weekly hijinks. You're here for the insightful sports commentary. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I'm the only one here...and no one has ever labeled anything spewed forth from my mouth as insightful. What I can offer you are the opinions of a twisted mind...this I have an abundance of.

And the band marches on...

First on the docket -- Mo Cheeks
Oh, what a nice guy. To those of you that might have missed the “highlight” on ESPN, the Portland Trailblazers coach was Mr. Nice Guy last night. A young woman was struggling to belt out the National Anthem, and the crowd was the obvious problem. The girl was visibly intimidated standing center court at the Blazers contest last night with Dallas. So, Mo stepped in, and joined the girl. What a nice thing to do. You might be wondering, how did Mo sound? Well, to put it bluntly, bad -- Celine Dion bad. In the hoopla of the grand gesture, 99.9% of you would ignore the obvious. Not I, though…my ears wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t mention it. It was nice to see Mo help the girl out. It gave me visions of cute little bunnies running through a field of dandelions. I was immediately struck with the notion to go out and hug a walrus. But, I resisted…because he opened his mouth, and all of those beautiful feelings I had building within me immediately vanished. So, instead of hugging animals, I decided to go kick the “poo” out of the first muskrat I came across. When push comes to shove, I’ve always found that violence is the answer…regardless of situation. Can’t figure out that crossword clue? Go punch a clown. I guarantee you that you’ll instantly feel better.

Numero dos -- The WNBA
Ummmm…well…the WNBA season will go off without a hitch. I’m sure that all of you out there just can’t wait for this season to tip off. I mean, is there anything in sports that matches the excitement that is the WNBA? Personally, I’d rather Barbara Walters in a wet T-shirt contest. Well, maybe I went a little too far there…nobody should be subjected to that type of punishment. But, who watches the WNBA? I don’t, and I don’t know anyone else that does. It’s not that I don’t think the women are talented, or that it’s not “real basketball.” That isn’t the case. Women’s basketball is just boring, painfully boring. Maybe Mr. Stern should lower the goals. For whatever reason, the above the rim game is what I enjoy most about basketball…and it is nonexistent in the WNBA. There’s been, what, one dunk in the leagues 4, 5, 6 (however many) years. I’m not real picky in my choice of sporting events to watch. Bowling is good; Pool is cool; Dwarf tossing is great. But never the WNBA…I’d rather break out the old “Cop Rock” tapes.

Thrizzy, my nizzy -- Idiot fans
It just so happens that my brother happened to be at that game in Chicago last week. You know the game that I’m talking about, right? Yet another idiot at a White Sox game stormed the field. Now, we’ve also got more “ignint mo’ fos” throwing their cell phones at players. The idiots in Chicago were interviewed as to their motives behind the event…and guess why they did it. They did it because it’s something that everyone MUST do in their lifetime. I’d be willing to wager that in those small minds, the night will live on as “the greatest ever.” Personally, I don’t want to structure my entire life around how I’m going to make my way onto the field at a major sporting event. I guess I’m missing out on something -- probably whatever brain cell depletion technique is employed by these morons. They looked like huffers to me…I definitely could see those guys sitting on a couch with a case of rubber cement in front of them. You know what Major League Baseball needs…zookeepers. Give them some poison darts, and let’s take care of this nonsense once and for all. I’m not going to attack the city of Chicago for these occurrences, even though it seems to be the hotbed of this moron movement. There are idiots everywhere, but apparently most of them choose to go to White Sox games to act out the “event of a lifetime.” I have one more suggestion for MLB. Change alcohol purchase requirements. So, you wanna buy a beer, huh? Instead of an age requirement, implement an IQ requirement. If you’re too stupid to stay your retarded ass off the field, than you’re too irresponsible to be trusted with a Bud Lite. Hell, I don’t even know if you could be trusted with an O’Doul’s. Hey…put down that bottle of Nyquil, and stay away from the Listerine. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again -- they oughta throw all those idiots out there in a zoo. Or, at the very least, keep them away from US Cellular Field.

Four, shut the door -- What else?
Well, I probably should make some sort of comment on the NFL draft, which is currently underway. Unfortunately, I’m a constant pessimist when it comes to the draft, as I always expect whoever my beloved Bengals select to be a bust. If the Bengals would have drafted Barry Sanders, I’m fairly certain that he would have replaced Ki-Jana Carter in the long list of Bengal draft busts. So, they went with Carson Palmer. Am I happy? I guess, but I still expect the worst. It’s the curse of being a Bengals fan. The offensive “bungles” comments have already began to stir on the message board, and, at least thus far, I’ve decided to ignore them. I have faith for the coming year, as I always do…and I only hope that the hiring of Marvin Lewis was the huge step in the right direction that I anticipate.

Well, that about does it for this week. I just wanted to mention one more thing before I go. I’m sure that all of you have probably heard this “I’m Glad” song by J-Lo. What in the hell is going on with pop music? It is one thing for someone like Britney Spears to play down to her demographic with such stupidity as “Oops I did it again.” Miss Lopez has no excuse to put out what is arguably one of the dumbest excuses for a song I’ve ever heard. It sounds like a 1st Grade love letter, written by a special education student. The video is, needless to say, great. It definitely peaked my interests. But the song? J Lo must have stuck a put a pen in between those beautiful butt cheeks, and wiggled away. That’s the only explanation that I can come up with…well, that or she must have rode the little yellow school bus when she was little. Well, I guess from now on I’ll just have to keep her mouth full, so she won’t be able to put out such garbage. Now, if I can only come up with something to “keep her quiet“…

I’m off. So many bottles of liquor, so little Coke. Destiny awaits…

Coming soon to MATW…”The Dominators Volume 1” -- my look at the NBA’s best from this season.