Touched By A Devil

## Note: Me Against the World will be on temporary hiatus due to unforeseeable personal circumstances. Check back soon when Jay makes his return! ##

It's back. Behold the reprinting of this weekend's column...

Well, my fearless readers...

I've got to be honest. I'm absolutely exhausted today. So, you're going to have to excuse any stupidity within. Chances are that I'll be giving some mix of incoherent nonsense and "down home" ignorance in the following paragraphs, so be forewarned. I'm going to make every attempt to be as brief as possible today, so you'll also have to excuse that. You all know how it is...working like a slave, for slave wages, surrounded by idiots that make your very existence as close to a "living hell" as possible. This is my one day to "max and relax" this week, so I'm making every attempt to enjoy it. But, I would never be so arrogant as to deny my faithful readers with their weekly fix of the thoughts and feelings of this half-delusional, half-deranged lunatic. So enjoy...

First and foremost, before I even get into the world of sports...Mother's Day is tomorrow. All of us at one time had a mother. You know, it's that woman that gave birth to you. You probably made her life as difficult as possible for about 18 years or so. And now, you find yourself making up excuses to avoid placing that call you've been putting off for 6 months. You never hesitated picking up the phone when your wallet was hurting, but you never really saw any need to call just to see how she's doing. There was a time in my life when I acted in this way, so if the preceding characterizations hit a little to close to home, don't think you're alone. I changed, and so can you. Be a man. If you happen to be one of the lucky ones whose mother is still "among us," do something special for her tomorrow. A mother is a precious thing...just ask anyone forced to make it in this world without one. I happen to despise a majority of the holidays in this country, but Mother's Day would be one of the few exceptions. So, show some love to that woman in your life that is "old enough to be your mother." You know, your mother...

[Cue the Ooohhhs and Aaahhhs]

I shall be known henceforth as "The Loveable Lunatic." Write it down, take a picture, I don't give a shucks. I wuv my mommy...and I'm not ashamed to say it. Okay, maybe I am...but pride be damned.

Alright, let's talk a little sports...

The Man, The Myth, The Legend
I'm speaking of one Larry Eustachy, of course. For those of you out of the loop, pictures surfaced recently featuring the former Iowa St. Men's Basketball coach partying at an apartment in Missouri after a road loss to the Tigers. He was drinking some beer and kissing some chicks. That Bastard! In all the history of the world, he is certainly the first man to ever embark on such a mission of debauchery. This is just stupid. I'll never understand why certain people are held to a higher standard than most of us. Sure, he's a coach. So what? Unless a porno flick has surfaced from that night featuring Eustachy engaged in some ungodly act with a random co-ed...then he shouldn't have been fired (well, maybe -- the fact that it happened in Missouri territory makes it a little "iffy"). I'm here to tell you that this is a common occurrence. Coaches across this country do the same damn thing...week in, and week out. I speak from experience here. I was a student (using the word loosely -- pothead would be a better personification) at one of the elite schools in Division II Basketball. Chances are that if you've ever caught the national championship game that is shown every year on CBS, then you've seen the school in question. They wear purple; their cheerleaders call them "Pinthers" (not a misspelling, that's really how they pronounce it). Any ideas? Well, I have no problems naming names. The school is Kentucky Wesleyan. I don't remember the coach's name, but I do remember seeing him at countless parties. So, it would foolish to assume that this doesn't happen everywhere. Men, regardless of age or social status, are drawn to college chicks. Can you really blame them? You can blame alcoholism or whatever else you want. The fact is that Eustachy was there to check out the "poontang"...just like you, and I would have done in a similar situation.

The Lake Show
The Lakers are currently down 2 to 1 to the Spurs. I told you all last week that I expected to see the Lakers win their 4th championship in a row. And...I stand by that prediction. The fact is that the Lakers could be down 25 points with 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter of a game seven...and I still fully expect them to win. Why? Two words -- Shaq & Kobe. I really do believe that they are the two best players in the NBA right now...and they complement each other so well that they should be impossible to beat in any 7 game series. But, I guess we shall see before too long. Rest assured, the winner of this series will win the NBA crown. With Webber going down the other night, there isn't a doubt in my mind now. First off, there isn't a team in the East that stands any real shot of beating any of the 4 teams left in the West. The Kings aren't going to beat the Spurs or Lakers without Webber. He's too important to their offense and defense. Then, you have the Mavericks. Unfortunately for Dallas fans, their shooters have off nights -- and this can't happen against teams of the Lakers or Spurs quality. Best of luck to The Lake Show...go get that 4th in a row.

What else, what else...what else?
I don't know. I know that I had more to talk about when I sat down here to write, but I can't remember anything right now. Ummm...

Forget it...

I need a nap...or maybe just some crack...whichever comes my way first. Either way, I should be set for the rest of the night.

Wait a minute...where's the midget reference this week. Surely, I can come up with something. Ummm...let's see. Nope, I'm too tired. So, for the sake of continuity -- [insert midget reference here]. And don't call me Shirley.

I'm off...there are weeds that need to whacked, and weeds that need to be smoked. Somebody's gotta do it...might as well be me.

A final word to my “fans”: I can’t really talk much right now. Let’s just say that something strange has triggered this leave of absence. I am happy to announce that I will be returning May 24th with a new installment. Have no fear, a full explanation is forthcoming. The truth is out there -- or so they say. Until then, hold onto your roosters for comfort, keep a candle burning(preferably something along the lines of ‘summer rain’ -- anything but patchouli), and save some drugs for me. I shall return.

Posted by Jay Schell, Bengals/Reds Correspondent at 11:07 AM | Comments (4)

Ask Jay Schell, Bengals/Reds Correspondent a question here.
Discuss sports on the message board!